omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
where am i from again
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
