Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
