Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Pants are for mortals
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize