how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
