I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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