so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
