After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
