my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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