meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
