The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize