so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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