You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
