Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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