I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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