Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize