I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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