and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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