Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
