someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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