I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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