The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
