Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
