I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
