Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
