If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
