I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
