If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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