Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
