god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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