There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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