Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
