I'm eating all of the evidence.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
