we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
