I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
