I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize