I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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