Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
