so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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