I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
