I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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