plz talk dirty to me
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
