im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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