Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
