I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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