do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She bit a glass in half.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
