I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
