the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
