I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
