there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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