There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
