it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize