I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
