so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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