turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I need to calm my uterus...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
