come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
