She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
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