I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I can text with my tongue
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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