Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
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