i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
