Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
