He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you traded sex for a burrito?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
