All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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