Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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